The winds of change....

Have you ever looked at a child with wonder and awe of how simply they see the world?  How they can continually change their minds on what they want their profession to be?  Most of the time, children are viewed as fickle by how quickly they change their minds.  One minute, they want to be a doctor, the next a police officer, and the next, they want to own their own restaurant.  And often as adults, we can get a bit condescending with them by how quickly they change their minds.  We call them immature because they don't think about all the work it would involve.  They think of something desirable, and they decide that's what they want.

When you do this to a child, you inadvertently create negative connotations about them changing their minds.  We know that all too soon, children will grow up.  They will become more stable in their decision processes, and we will call them mature and knowledgeable for doing so.  But I challenge you to take a step back.

Think back to when you were a child.  Think back to the dreams you had for your adult life.  Have you achieved those goals?  Do you even have goals anymore?  Are you living your life INTENTIONALLY? I know that there have been many times in my adult life that I've reached a proverbial dead end.  And it always caused me to jump to the next idea.  And then the next, and the next.

But in the last few months, I've really done some soul searching.  I've looked at all the puzzle pieces of my life.  And while, yes... every point has been beneficial to where I am today, I would reach that wall.  I would get frustrated, and it would permeate into every aspect of my life.  I was a product of unintentional living.  I had grown up and while I was unhappy, I just thought that was the way life was.

It doesn't have to be this way!  I'm taking the steps to change my life, completely.  It involves every aspect of my life.  I'm not going to lie, it can be daunting - To take that step of faith and to examine your goals.  Their will be discouragement.  People may think you're crazy for this (what seems like a) sudden change, but you will find support and affirmation.

When you examine people that have bettered themselves, what do you see?  You see people like Bill Gates, and the late Steve Jobs.  You see all star athletes like Michael Jordan, Peyton Manning, and many others.  You know what all those people have in common?  They all had goals.  They didn't let other people hold them down.  They choose to keep trying.  Because they knew that while the world would try to beat them down and try to make them give up, they got to decide.  They made the choice from within.

Michael Jordan was cut from his junior high basketball team because he wasn't good enough.  What if he had taken that as a complete failure and choose to never try again?  No one would have ever known him.  But instead, he worked hard.  He turned what could have been perceived as a failure into a stepping stone to try harder.  He didn't let discouragement win.

As we move into the next year, I challenge you to live intentionally.  To set some goals.  And pray for guidance.  Because if you aren't changing, you're sinking.  The world is moving forward.  If you're stuck in the same place, you are only falling more behind.  Don't go to the grave unfulfilled.  Speak positively over yourself and what you want to do and go for it.

Watch where you are going... I didn't

So, this evening I decided that it was time to go do my weekly grocery shopping.  I'm not always a fan of going to Wal-Mart, and especially not in the evening.  But it had to be done.  So Emery could have breakfast in the morning and have food to eat at school.  So, I took an inventory of my kitchen.  I made my list.  Forgot my list (oops), and headed out the door.

So there I was.  Zipping through Wal-Mart.  Quick, like bunny.  I had almost come to end of my shopping extravaganza and I was perusing the fresh fruits and veggies.  I was looking towards the produce.  All this time, there was an elderly gentleman in front of me in Big Smith overalls.  

Side note: In the south, or in this area at least, it seems that most older gentleman, especially if they work outside, wear Big Smith overalls.  If you are unsure of what they are, google it. 

Anyway... elderly gentleman in front of me.  I was looking directly at the produce and was using my side vision to make sure the man was still walking.  Then it happened.  I straight up rammed him with my cart.  I apologized, no less, than a go-jillion times.  Luckily for me, this man was a sweet, kind heart type and not a cantankerous hell raiser.  (Thank you, Dear Heavenly Father for that!!) But still.  I.  FELT.  HORRIBLE.

And, as I walked away, I kept thinking about how I could have sworn he was still walking.  How could my peripheral vision have failed me?  And then... I had an epiphany.  

It started out the thought process of, of course peripheral vision fails.  This is why you aren't supposed to text and drive.  This is why things that require undivided attention shouldn't just be guided by peripheral vision.

And then I thought about how, metaphorically, this is so true as well.  Often times, we let our dreams and our goals slip into our periphery.  We focus on the circumstances right in front of us.  We get caught up in them.  And then, years later, we have no idea how we got there and we just know that we aren't where we want to be.  

It convicted me.  It made me think about all the things that I've ever wanted.  All the goals that I've ever had.  I need to focus on those, and not just barely keep my head above water, struggling against the day-to-day.  Life is so much bigger than what we all think.  It's so much bigger than we can even realize.  

Circumstances are temporary.  Life is a marathon.  And as marathon runners run a race, they are able to focus on the prize... the goal.  In spite of minor failures along the way, the leave it behind them and keep running.  They don't let their peripheral vision guide them.  They look at what is in front of them.  Because they are focused and dedicated.  Life... my life, should be this way.

Who knew ramming an old man in the butt with a cart could really make me stop and think.  But, it did.  Welcome to my mind.

Grace and Child Meltdowns

Grace:  (noun) 1. simple elegance or refinement of movement
                         2. (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the                                     salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.
              (verb) do honor or credit (someone of something) by one's presence.

And now... a story:

Yesterday, I visited my favorite craft store, Hobby Lobby.  It's almost like my version of a toy store.  The thought of going there leaves me all warm and fuzzy inside.  I always feel craftily (yes, I totally just typed craftily) inspired when I go there.  And I love their rockin' awesome sales and bargains.

Of course, it was during the day.  Emery was at school.  And of course, my little toddler side kick was in tow with me.  We were perusing the Christmas/Holiday isles, near the front, close to the check out registers.  Then, I heard it.  A child started screaming and crying.  Based on the speech patterns, I'm guessing the child was toddler or preschool aged.  And that kid wanted candy.  Also... I kind of secretly wish stores would not put candy by the registers.  It's always cause for melt downs.

That poor mom.  She was just trying to purchase the items she had found in the store.  Whilst dealing with an epic battle with her kid.  And from what I could tell, she stuck to her guns and the child didn't get the candy.  Kudos to you, mom, for not giving in to your child's tantrum.  While it's stressful and down right embarrassing at the time, it teaches the kid that no means NO, and bad behavior will not be rewarded.  You won't always get your way.

Any rate, as this epic fit was going on, an older lady approached me.  She praised me for how adorable Annie was, and for how good she was being.  Then the lady got eerily close to me.  She told me thank you that my child wasn't a brat like the one screaming.  She said that, that screaming child just needed it's butt busted.  And she even said that if people can't control their children in public, that they shouldn't bring them into public.  While I was stepping back from the stranger that had invaded my space bubble to whisper the judgmental thoughts in my ear, I just smiled and said thank you.

But.....

On the inside, I was cringing. I wanted to reprimand that lady.  I wanted to tell her about the times that my children have thrown fits in public.  I wanted to tell her the story about the epic, NON-AWESOME, fit Emery once threw at the public swimming pool here in town, simply because I wouldn't let him go of him in water he couldn't touch in and thusly, drown.  I wanted to tell her when he pitched the fit, that I carried him.... All the way from the pool to the bathroom, on my hip while he thrashed and kicked and screamed.  He was overstimulated and tired, and I needed to find a quiet place to sit with him and calm him down.  Busting his butt wouldn't have done any good.  It would've added fuel to the out of control fire that was already raging.  But everyone watched me that day.  Some people actually had the audacity to follow me all the way into the bathroom to watch.  COMPLETE.  STRANGERS!! 

As I walked away from the lady yesterday, in Hobby Lobby, I silently prayed for that poor mom at the register.  I prayed for peace for her.  I prayed for the judgmental lady to reexamine her thoughts and find grace for mom's out there.  I've been that mom who had the screaming child.  I think we all have.  And as much as other people say, "If that were my child, that wouldn't happen."  Or my favorite, "If that were my child, I'd bust the kids butt right here and now."  Well, if that were your child, you would understand that children are little people.  We try to raise them up right.  We teach them how to act.  But they are learning.  And, as best as parents try, we can't control our children's actions.

and.... AND.... AND!!!!  What if that child had a learning disability?  What if the child is autistic?  Or has a sensory processing disorder?  Or is starting to get sick and so the kid is more tired than normal and just couldn't handle it anymore?  Sometimes, the best laid plans to shop around nap times and eating times to prevent tantrums can go awry.  All I know is... I don't know.  I don't know what the mom and child were going through.  I don't the all the circumstances surrounding their existence.  But I DO know one thing....

I can extent grace.  And pray for peace.

Thank you for reading!  What are your thoughts??

I Was Broken

Broken (adjective): 1. Having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece                                     or in working order.
                              2. (of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.

Number 2 sounds about like me, last year.  I. WAS. BROKEN.

 Sick kiddo

Pardon the grainy look of this quick snapped phone picture.  This is my little boy.  As it is with most parents, he is my world.  I would do anything for him.  I would take his pain.  I would lay down my life if I had to, in order to save his.  In this picture, he is cuddling with our Boston Terrier, because he was sick.  This was much of what he did last year.

He's always been a sickly kiddo.  So much so, that I actually lost a job when he was a baby because he was always sick and I was always off work taking care of him.  After I lost that job, my husband and I split our work schedules to keep him out of daycare.  Our hopes were that by kindergarten, he would be a little stronger and not be sick all the time.

We continued to have seasons of sickness before he started school.  But he was mostly healthy.  He still continued to have almost a constant runny nose and a little cough, and he was continually on Zyrtec for allergies.  But he was otherwise ok... before school.

Then, kindergarten started.  I was a hot mess of several emotions and tears.  I told myself he was growing up and it was a great thing.  By the end of the first week of kindergarten, he had been sent home sick.  That's when the continual sickness began.  We changed from a local family practitioner to a pediatrician in another town.  That pediatrician referred us to different specialists: an ENT (ear, nose, and throat), an Allergist, and a Pediatric Pulmonologist.  He missed A LOT of school.  I missed A LOT of work.  

He was diagnosed, numerous times, with bronchitis and sinusitis.  Then he was diagnosed with asthma.  And then he was diagnosed allergies.  He kept running random fevers.  He was diagnosed with GERD.  I was beginning to think I needed to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

His monthly med list and different procedures and tests done.  Pricing included.

I was desperate for answers.  Every time we went to the doctor, I was hoping it would be the fix.  Medications just kept being added to his list.  And every time, I was assured we would find the right combination of meds that would work.  They did tests.  And took x-rays.  And everything came back inconclusive.  The doctors kept saying that everything looked normal with him as far as labs and tests, but they could obviously see that he was sick and they could see his symptoms.  I was so frustrated.  Most nights, after he was in bed.  I would cry and pray and just feel defeated.... BROKEN.  I would lose sleep as I laid there and listened to him toss and turn, moan, cough, and wheeze.  I slept next to him often because I was terrified at times,  that he might stop breathing or that his respiratory system would shut down.

Laying in a hospital bed after surgery.

Over the course of the year, with more and more medications being added, he started exhibiting behavioral symptoms.  He couldn't think straight.  He couldn't stay on task.  He had angry outbursts and impulsive behavior.  I talked to the pediatrician about it and he told me that often times that children with Asthma often have ADHD.  I expressed my concerns that I thought it was all the medications he was on and that I didn't like the medications.  

The doctor told me it was highly unlikely it was from the medications and I argued that a lot of the steroids and antihistamines he was on have side effects of: agitation, excitability, impulsivity, mood swings, altered thought process... all the things my little man was showing.  He finally admitted that there was a possibility it was from the medications.  But said there was no other way.  And that it if the behaviors became to much, we could medicate him with ADHD medication.

I nearly hyperventilated before we got out of that office.  I had a meltdown style tantrum that would put a toddler to shame.  And I had no clue what I was going to do.  I prayed so hard.  On my knees.  And I'm so glad that God can understand words when you can't speak. Because I was speaking in sobs and wails.

This process continued.  I constantly prayed.  And researched other ways.  And nothing seemed to really work.  I kept trying in spite of all the failures.  I knew in my heart, God would help me find a way to really fix him.  Until August.

School had started back.  And he was sick.  I had taken him to the doctor, again.  His first day back after being sick, I cried all day.  I told God that I just couldn't do it anymore.  I told him to take it, because I couldn't.  I told him to fix it or I was going to be locked away from craziness and despair.  And when I went to pick him up that day, I was standing line, wallowing in grief and self pity and trying to keep to myself and not talk to anybody.  I overheard a conversation from behind.  It kept hearing words like, "immune juice," "helps with sickness," "stories about helping asthma."  The ladies were kind of whispering and I had my head turned so it looked like I was looking at the grass.  My neck was aching from how I was holding it so I could listen. 

I sucked my grief inside and prayed silently, "please be the answer."  I walked up and asked what the lady had been talking about.  We exchanged phone numbers.  This lady has became my friend.  And she showed me an amazing total health system.  I ordered this mysterious juice stuff.  Two weeks later, my little man was getting better and I was weaning him off his meds. I was ecstatic!!

A portion of the meds he took before (top)

vs.

The juice and couple vitamins he takes now

From that point in August until now, he has done great.  He has came off of all his meds.  He no longer has behavioral problems either.  I got my son back.  Happy and healthy.  We had parent-teacher conferences yesterday.  The teacher said she has noticed a huge improvement in him this year.  He is growing by leaps and bounds and staying on task.  I got teary eyed while she praised him.  I get teary eyed when I try to tell people.  Who am I kidding?  I'm teary eyed right now.

Happy, Healthy, and Funny kid!!!

Thank you God!

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.  Lord my God, I will praise you forever." Psalms 30:11-12

Thanks for reading!  Have a lovely day friends!!

One Year, Baby Dear!!

I remember being little, and my family always telling me that time was flying.  I also remember thinking they had lost their minds.  Time wasn't flying.  It was slow.  Five minutes seemed like an eternity.  We don't even want to discuss how long an hour was.  "Crazy adults!" I used to think.

Now I catch myself doing this with my own family.  Emery has gotten to the stage of, "mom, what time is it?"... Every. FIVE. Minutes!  I catch myself telling him, "time goes so fast and you two need to slow down."  He is now the one that looks at me like I'm crazy.  The irony of it all...

This being said, I'm still taken aback by how fast this last year has went.  I know it's cliche... But seriously, my little girl was just born yesterday.  And now today, well today, she is no longer termed a baby, but instead, a toddler.  My baby is a toddler? What?  Pardon me.  I need a moment.

OK, thanks for the moment.  I'm back.

So now, I'm going to do any overview of her first year.

GROWTH: When she was born she weighed 7lbs 6oz. and was 20.5 inches long.  Today, she weighs 19lbs. 6oz. and is 30.75 inches long.  Her weight puts her in the 25th percentile.  Her height puts her in the 95th percentile.  The doctor joked today about her being either a supermodel or a pro beach volleyball player if she follows this height/weight pattern.  HA!!

EATING: When she was born, and for the first eight weeks, Annie was breast fed.  After that, I thought I was going back to work.  So, we weaned and switched to formula.  Today, she eats everything.  OK, almost everything.  She's not terribly fond of eggs.  Or Lima beans.  The eggs, I don't understand.  But, I can't blame her for not liking Lima beans.  BLECH!!!  Her favorite food is probably re fried beans, or sausage, or avocado.  You can really tell when she likes a food a lot because she slurps and smacks.  It's pretty much the cutest thing ever.
We've switched from formula to milk.  I actually have her on soy milk, currently.  I may try whole milk at some point, but we are a family with lactose issues.  So I figure she will follow suit.  So I'm hesitant to try whole milk.  I haven't exactly found any other beverage that she likes.  I've tried different juices.  Juice isn't fun to wear after your baby spits it out in raspberry fashion all over you.  I'm still trying.  She does like coffee.  DISCLAIMER: No, I did not willingly give my baby coffee.  But if she finds a wayward cup, you best believe she's going to slurp it down until you stop her.  SIGH...

SLEEPING:  When she was born, she had time backwards.  It stayed backwards for about five months.  I distinctly remember whining about not sleeping.  Now, I really miss our late night snuggles and giggles and getting educated by all the info-mercials.  Annie now takes a nap in the morning from about 9:30-11:30, a nap in the afternoon from about 4:00-5:15, and goes to bed around 7:30 and sleeps all night.  When she was a newborn, and for several months after, I would rock her to sleep.  And she slept in bed with me.  But around eight months, its like someone flipped a switch.  Now she just wants to be laid down, in her own crib, so she can go to sleep.  No crying or fussing.  I know in the grand scheme of things, this is good and healthy.  But I really miss those snuggles.

PLAYING:  Over the the last year, I have watched her morph from this little swaddled thing that just watched everything, to this busy, destructive, busy, playful, BUSY (did I mention busy??) little girl.  She loves to do all the "baby classic" games: peak-a-boo, patty-cake, and sing nursery rhymes and songs.  Other favorite games include: taking everything out of her toy box and then ignore every toy she has, attempt to steal Emery's toys, crawl away from anyone who is trying to catch her while simultaneously laughing and squealing, clapping and saying, "YAY!!", riding around the house in the laundry basket being pulled by yours truly, and pointing at random things so someone will look at what she is pointing at.  She's also, very recently, started to attempt to climb on things.  (Oh goodie!!)

She isn't quite walking yet.  She can stand, unassisted.  This usually has to happen when she doesn't realize it.  I know if she tried, she could walk.  She pulled up the other day and started walking, while holding on to the strings of my hoodie.  Because, you know, hoodie strings give so much stability and support.  HA!!

I love my baby girl.  She has made my heart swell in more ways than I can imagine.  Her personality fits so well into our family, and we are still learning more and more about her every day.  I'm excited for the this next year.  To see what it holds, and how much more we learn about her.  But I wish time could just stop for a little while.  Before I know it, she's going to be the one that's telling her kids that time flies.  And I'm just not ready for that yet!

Kindergarten: Letter of excitement and tears

My dear, sweet Emery,

Tomorrow, you start kindergarten.  Can you believe it, little man?  Where did the time go?  I know it seems so cliche, but I'm very serious when I say it seems like yesterday was the day you were born.  And here we are, over five years later.  Looking in the face of a new chapter.  I'm so very excited for you, and so sad for myself.

Firstly, I want to say thank you, little man.  You made me a mom.  You have taught me that there is no better award or title that I can hold (and here come the tears!!).  Before I found out I was pregnant with you, I didn't want to be a mother.  I just didn't think motherhood was a gig that I wanted to play.  I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant with you.  But then, at the first appointment, I got to hear your heart beat.  I think my heart swelled that day.  And it has continued to swell every day since then. And while I admit, not all days have been the easiest, it's just so hard to imagine you not being here with me all day. 

You have taught me even more about unconditional love.  Even when I'm cranky or tired or sick, you are right there to love me.  You show me your love by needing me and always being under foot.  You have taught me what true patience means.  You have taught me that their is more to life than my wants and that I cannot be selfish.  And lastly, you have taught me what it means to have my heart feel like its not a part of me, but more a part of you, going with you where ever you are. 

I told you tonight that I am so proud of you.  I truly am proud of you.  I am proud of you for who you are.  You are so loving and caring.  You are such a ham.  You love to make people laugh.  There have been days that have been really bad for me, but when I look at you, it gets so much better. 

I hope that you enjoy school.  It can be a very fun and exciting place.  Emery Thomas, you are so incredibly smart and I hope that you really enjoy school and learning.  I hope that you make lots of friends.  But mostly, I hope over the years of school, that you stay who you are.  Hold on to your youth and your faith in God, people, and love.  I have tried to shield you from so many things.  And while school is not a terrible, dangerous, horrible place, it is a glimpse into more of the world than what I have shown you.  Know that I am always here with open arms to hold you and cuddle you.  I hope that when you have a bad day, you will come to me and be open about it. 

I am going to give it my all to be strong tomorrow morning, but please don't be too hard on me if you see me shed a tear.  I love you always, always, and always....

Your (excited but teary eyed) Momma

Chicken Sandwich... would you like some "hate" with that?

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me.  Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.  And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer.  Let it be.

My facebook feed has blown up with Chic-fil-A.  Everyone knows why.  Everyone has an opinion.  And here's my DISCLAIMER:  If you chose to go to the restaurant and eat, good for you.  If you chose to abstain from going to the restaurant and have vowed to never, EVER, EVER eat there again, good for you.  If you hate me for what I'm about to say, that's your decision.  I'm sorry for having offended you, but we can agree to disagree and go about our business.

I chose not to eat at Chic-fil-A today.  That doesn't mean that I won't in the future.  It seems like what was said by the owners of Chic-fil-A have been taken out of context.  The restaurant entrepreneur that owns this chain made a statement that he does not support gay marriage.  He exercised his first amendment right. That's the black and white of it.  But it seems that so many across our ailing nation have turned this into some kind of hate war. Kudos to the media and social media on spreading hatred and negativity!

I choose not to participate in the hate.  Whether I do or do not support gay marriage is a moot point. But I will not buy into this media driven hate fest.  I understand the bible denounces homosexuality, and that there are many verses pertain to this.  I also understand the bible to say love one another, hatred beget hatred whereas love beget love, and all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

Who among us is perfect?  No one. A sin is a sin in the eyes of God.  So why hate those who have a different sexual orientation?  It makes them hurt.  It makes them hate the world for not accepting them.  Is  it not possible to love people and not their actions?  Is it not possible to accept rather than cast out?